Blessed Are The Dizzy

Desmond Swayne, Tory MP for New Forest West and David Cameron’s trusted bag carrier, is a modern chap. He typifies the new-look, new-views, new-newness New Tory Party. He is, as I say, trusted with Dave’s bag (or even bags). Important chap this Desmond. No one’s ever heard of him. But that’s just tickety-boo. After all, he’s new.

He "served" in Iraq with the TA. Amidst all the carnage and death, Desmond could only think about his waistline: he boasts about the new and lean Desmond whipped into shape in the heat of Iraq. Once a fat man, he is not only a new man but a lean one too. Except for the odd summer day in which Desmond can be seen driving an open-topped Morris Minor with a huge union jack proudly sported (surely there must be a by-law against this?), he is newness personified.

The new man’s local constituency paper, the Lymington Times, reported Desmond’s views on the “gay adoption” controversy. Trying the best he could to be new, Desmond, the Lymington Times reports, insists that there should be no “exemption for Christians”. Although on to a new newness winner, Desmond rather spoils it all by remarking that it would be unacceptable for a “B&B sign” with the commentary “no pooftahs”. One imagines that his first draft referred to arse bandits.

Whether Desmond is a Christian or not is somewhat difficult to fathom, but the Lymington Times reports that he “warned Christians that before making martyrs of themselves over the new regulations, to be absolutely sure that this really was the issue on which the Holy Spirit was calling them to make their stand in a struggle with a secular world. He ended by asking how Jesus might have voted.” (First draft: “Did the Lamb of God endure crucifixion so as to allow ‘little ones’ to be raised by fags?”)

Interesting question, Des. Does Dizzy Des vote according to how he believes Jesus would have voted? Perhaps Dizzy Des consulted his heart to find out whether Jesus would have carried Dave’s bag? Presumably, Jesus would have voted to invade Iraq and privatise its oil resources. Blessed are the dizzy of mind, for they shall inherit a safe parliamentary seat (majority a mere 17,285).