My cricket viewing has been marred by something I couldn’t quite put my finger on - until a few minutes ago when it all came back to me. As inexplicable as Michael Vaughn’s record breaking attempt at least runs has been, or the fabulous bowling technique of 'Slinga' Malinga, or the carefree sight of cameramen zooming in on large-breasted women jumping up and down, it was the slightly irritating and memory-tickling tune played in between, er, play which has disturbed my appreciation of a game I like to watch but unfortunately can't play (my record runs thus: no runs, no wickets and no catches; this is especially grating when I think that even the oafish Mike Gatting did better than this).
Perhaps the BBC can explain why it is the tune to Mr Snoop Doggy Dog’s Drop It Like It’s Hot is being used. But all this pales into comparison to Mr Canine’s lyrics to that same tune. Ponder if you will, as I have attempted to do below, some of the lyrics, if that is indeed the word I’m after.
“When the pimp’s in the crib ma”. Is Mr Snoop addressing his mother as to why a pimp is in a baby’s crib? I have no idea what this gentleman is referring to.
He goes on: “When my niggaz fill ya vest they ain’t gon pass me shit”. Let me get this right. The “niggaz” are going to fill my vest? But they aren’t going to pass you any “shit”? I am afraid to say that I don’t see the connection between my vest and some gentlemen passing you “shit”.
Mr Canine then demands that I “think before you fuck wit lil skateboard P”. There are many things I have been accused of, but wishing to “fuck” a “skateboard” is not one.
I am completely baffled by Mr Canine informing me that: “Drive my own cars, and wear my own clothes”. If it helps, Mr Canine, I wear my own clothes too.
“Must I remind you I’m only here to twist you” and “Pistol whip you, dip you then flip you”. I believe that his meaning is as follows. His role is to hit me with his gun, immerse me in an unspecified liquid and then somersault me. Why that would be anyone’s job description is baffling.
Why can't the BBC just stick to using the wonderful cricket theme (a theme unsurpassed in all of music associated with sport)? Maybe the BBC has been trying to tell us something - a something, I think, I have deduced. Mock if you will, but I am now of the belief that Mr Woolmer may have attempted to have intercourse with a skateboard and was murdered by Mr Canine. I shall be contacting the Jamaican police department forthwith.